(Math in area schools less than stellar)
Note: if you attend Franklin Public Schools, have someone read this to you.
FRANKLIN— If you plan on shopping anywhere local anytime soon, be prepared to be shortchanged, or if it’s your lucky day, you’ll get a $50 bill back when you hand them a $20 to buy that double deuce.
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Western Tidewater school districts saw a remarkable decrease in state test scores for math as new legislation was passed in the past year that eliminated the use of one’s fingers and toes as a viable and legal aid during state tests. The finger and toe legislation, enacted in September of last year, was derived from the belief that some children had an unfair advantage over other children. Local politician, Handy Forbes, proudly proclaimed the legislation’s adoption, stating, “No more will the child with 12 fingers and 12 toes, have the distinct advantage over the child with 9 fingers and 8 toes. It truly is a great day for the Commonwealth.” |
With the fingers and toes no longer being a math aid, it joins the ranks of banished test technologies such as the calculator, the cell phone, and the slide rule. The looking over the shoulder maneuver and “Psst, what’s the answer to #3?” however, continue to remain a viable option, if you can pull it off while the teacher is looking away. For more advanced students, the leave your math book in the bathroom, and go take a quick dump during the test move is also still in play.
Franklin Public Schools struggled mightily with the new tests as Algebra I scores fell from 44% passing in the 2010-2011 to 5% in 2011-2012. (*If 2 students passed to comprise the 5% passing rate at Franklin, how many students took the test? No fingers or toes! Answer at the bottom of the page!) The new tests prompted Algebra I student, Buck Wild Jr., to ask, “What’s this letter thingamajig doing in my math problem? Dis sum bullsheit. How am I supposed to solve for something when we ain’t got to that part of the alphabet yet!”
When pressed on the failing nature of her school district, Franklin Superintendent, Dr. Misti Fyed lamented, “We kinda lost our direction when Whitney died. She really believed in the children being our future, and it’s going to take some time before we get that back. As far as data and numbers go, I’ll have to get back to you.” Editors Note: Dr. Fyed repeatedly kept fidgeting in her seat when asked math related questions. We believe she was trying to count using her toes, and since she could not pull it off, she excused herself to the ladies room in the hopes there would be an administrator’s math textbook under the stool.
Remarkably, FHS saw its largest increase of passing in chemistry, which rose from 6 percent a year ago to 19 percent for 2011-2012. State officials have labeled it the Walt White effect, which it attributes to the popularity of the hit television show, Breaking Bad, which follows the exploits of crystal meth cook and chemist, Walter White. Police have been called in to investigate, as large Chemistry paraphernalia has gone missing from the school’s lab, and some of the finest blue meth ever seen in these parts has started to saturate the local market. “That stuff is the shizz,” said a local meth expert and connoisseur we found loafing at a trailer park in Courtland.
Since the test scores have been released, changes have been made. Long tenured math teacher, Reedin N. Cipherin, who’s long-standing fingers and toes method made him a hero to many a student, was let go in favor of the 2 students who passed the new tests. These students started their long road of teaching on Tuesday.
The school also has a new initiative to help the students on test day, making students take a pledge not to show up drunk or under the influence of drugs. The program carries the tagline, “Don’t Drink and Derive,” and is being hailed school-wide as a step in the right direction.
Dr. Misti Fyed was able to nail one mathematical concept. “With both of our passing students now teachers, we can only improve going forward. Statistically speaking, you can’t get any lower than 0%.”
*The answer is 40.