BOYKINS—After numerous prayer requests, God decided to finally give Boykins a good washing behind the ears on Sunday. With rampant sinning going on for years, God decided to unleash his fury, dumping 8 inches of rain on the beleaguered town in a matter of minutes.
“We had no chance,” said one Boykins resident, who didn’t want her good named ruined by being associated with Boykins. “Guess the Lord is tired of our sinning ways.”
At 10:30 a.m., the Town of Boykins received 8 inches of rain within 30 to 45 minutes, giving citizens little time to respond. Loitering at the Red Barn, Carl Thomas and his drinking buddies were enjoying an early morning 40 oz. Colt 45 when the deluge hit. With the water levels rising quickly, the merry crew resorted to creating an ark out of all the Schlitz bottles lying around.
“We done made the Lord mad,” said Carl Thomas through his interpreter Jasper Holmes. “All this drinkin’ and carryin’ on, ain’t what the Lord wants us to do. I reckon I’ll try to do better, and get the King in the Can next time.”
Ark mate Gerald Kyle also felt a cleansing, and enjoyed the moment. “I ain’t mind it, pretty nice having your very own Pontoon. Just a party in slow motion, out here in the open. Too bad God don’t want us motorboatin’ no more. I saw them honeys over there ‘cross the street, tried to get Carl to paddle on over and see what up, but we baptized now. Can’t be tempted by the flesh.”
Farmer Blunt was concerned his weed crop was lost to the flood. “I grow only the best shizz in town,” said Blunt. “Now the Lord done drown-ded my Mary Jane. I just don’t know what to do.”
The Boykins Mayor declared a state of emergency for the town, but as of press time, no one has come to its aid. “It’s probably because no other town gave two shits about Boykins. Can’t say I blame them. Before they even get across the bridge, someone has already tried take their rims, and propositioned them,” the Mayor said.
Newsoms resident, P. Nutz, was ecstatic to learn of the flood. “’Bout time they got a good flushing. Town’s been an eyesore for years. I remember when Boykins was a respectable town, with a youth baseball team and a semi-clean swimming pool, and people from there didn’t try to claim they were from Newsoms or Branchville. This can only be an improvement.”
Experts anticipate the sinning to continue despite God’s best efforts. “Let’s be honest here, God doesn’t have a whole lot to work with here in the first place,” said meteorologist/televangelist Jon Cash. As the water receded, and a newly pristine Main Street lay below, a citizen that couldn’t stand prosperity immediately tossed an empty can of Natty Light onto it. Twenty minutes later Carl was back in front of the Red Barn, muttering a mile a minute, leaving poor Jasper the task of explaining what exactly that Capt. Carl just said.
When asked to comment on why he decided to bathe the town Sunday, God simply stated, “You really have to ask?”