North Pole – In a shocking development, likely to shake Christmas to its core, Christopher S. Cringle, is being investigated for what is being described as innumerable counts of indecent liberties with minors, peeping tomism, and breaking and entering.
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The report, from a source that spoke on condition of anonymity, describes the charges as scathing, and could result in the Christmas holiday being cancelled for the foreseeable future. In the report, several children have come forward saying they saw “Mr. Claus” in their bathroom window while they were trying to tinkle. This is in addition to other reports that have claimed that they’ve seen him when they were trying to sleep. He also has been seen on several occasions luring children with the promise of toys, to sit on his lap and whisper what they want in his ear. “Mr. Claus told me to come near him” said one of the victims of 20 years ago. “He told me to come sit in his lap and wanted to know what I wanted for Christmas. He even said he’d show me his reindeer if I was good. He knew my name, where I lived, and he knew about the bad things that I did. He said that he was disappointed in me, but if I was good, he might still bring me something. I was taking a bathroom break one night, and I looked out the window, and he was standing there, looking at me. He moved his finger over his mouth to shush me, and then ran to his sleigh. On December 24th of that year, he then broke in my house, left me a Nintendo and 5 Ninja Turtles. |
“We’ve known about his M.O. for awhile now”, a spokesman for the FBI said. “He seems to know when these kids are sleeping, when they’re awake, he even knows what your children have been up to, good or bad… he’s a real pedophile.”
A search warrant has been issued for the North Pole and its surrounding areas. So far, authorities have found a bunch of snow and 2 polar bears, neither of which has offered much to the case.
The accusations come on the heels of repeated lawsuits by his workers who have felt they have unfair working conditions, requiring them to work 23.5 hour days, 7 days a week in the month of December. There also have been rumors of discriminatory hiring practices against people of height, and charges that some of his pet reindeer have used performance enhancing drugs.
If convicted of the charges, Claus faces about 800 years in prison, which would bring a likely end to Christmas as we know it.